Unconventional law

          As I began thinking about writing this column, I realized it would be printed in the Nov. 8 edition of the Guide. Today, we know who will be our new mayor, county commissioners, and our new president and vice president. Almost half of us are not feeling so hot right about now.

        Rather than add to the pool of misery, or detract from the state of euphoria, I decided to look at something entirely different.

        I subscribe to a weekly law journal which bills itself as “the national newspaper for small law firms.” It is filled with practical tips and important cases of national precedence throughout this great country. I thought I would share some of the more meaningful human struggles recently reported.

Black market

          A Kentucky man suspected of growing 517 marijuana plants, which were seized near his house, is suing the state. Kentucky apparently has a controlled substance tax. (How this tax works is beyond me. They must have some awfully honest folks living in Kentucky.) Anyway, it seems the state levied a $1 million tax on this poor guy. (Steal his stash. Break his bank. What next?) He has filed a lawsuit claiming that the tax, and the law which requires him to post a bond equal to 100 percent of the taxes, is unconstitutional. I think we should send Capt. Bob to investigate.

Former friends

          Laurie, from Maryland, gave her best friend Michelle a 12-pack of Coca-Cola. When Michelle opened a can to refresh her thirst and share the moment with her buddy, she discovered it was a $10,000 prize winner. Laurie took the can from Michelle, ostensibly to confirm that it was a winner, but then refused to give it back to Michelle. Michelle is suing her former best friend, claiming the can was a gift. Laurie is zealously defending her position that she gave Michelle the soda but not the can. (I am convinced this mess would not have occurred between Pepsi Fans.)

Dummy kissing

                   Brenda, an Indiana woman, owns a day care. As a licensing requirement she took a CPR class conducted by the Red Cross. During the class Brenda performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on a mannequin. Brenda was subsequently diagnosed with oral herpes. She and her husband are suing the Red Cross, claiming she contracted the condition after kissing the dummy. Brenda is seeking damages for pain, emotional distress, humiliation, ridicule and fear. Her husband is suing for loss of affection and love. (You would too.) 

Wealthy cat

        Ruth, an Ohio woman, died and left her entire $325,000 estate to her 18-year-old Siamese cat, Sinbad. I’m sure this brings a smile to all you cat lovers out there, but it sure made Ruth’s relatives pretty darned mad. Fourteen of them sued her estate, claiming that Ruth was just as crazy as could be, and that they, rather than that stupid cat, should get the dough. My 11-year-old daughter is outraged by this, and no matter what I say to her I cannot shake her conviction that the state of Ohio is populated by a bunch of people who are just plain mean. (I promise to personally follow this one.)

Wal-Marta

          Here’s another one from Kentucky. A Wal-Mart employee, Ms. Marta Brown, volunteered to play Santa Claus for the store, wearing the traditional Santa garb. After a brief stint doing the ho-ho-ho thing, Marta got the heave-ho. Turns out that a cute and inquisitive little bugger wondered aloud to her mother why Santa had breasts. The mother complained to Wal-Mart, and the store managers quickly replaced her with a male Santa. Marta, obviously not in the Christmas spirit, quit and sued Wal-Mart for $67,000 in lost wages, pain and suffering. The Kentucky commission on human rights, in yet one more oppressive, insufferable example of female subjugation to the almighty dollar, ruled that Wal-Mart had the right to replace Marta to avoid hurting Christmas sales. I say boycott Wal-Mart.

Heli-hunting

          Our Wyoming legislators, with their collective heart in the right place, recently passed a law which authorized the forfeiture of equipment used in connection with poaching wild game. A family man and devoted father living in a Wyoming county east of here really wanted his son to get a trophy elk. So he hopped in this helicopter and chased down a herd of elk. The state seized the helicopter and offered it for sale. The convicted poacher is prohibited from purchasing the seized property. How did this one end? The poacher’s wife bought it for daddy! Seems the law does not prevent family members from purchasing the property. I am happy to report that dad and his helicopter are reunited. I understand it is available for scenic flights in this area.

Dating problems

        A 16-year old Missouri girl was dating a 20-year-old guy. Her father got a little testy about the relationship. He did what any concerned dad would do: He claimed the guy was a stalker and sought an order of child protection. At the trial the daughter testified that her relationship with her 20-year-old boyfriend was purely consensual. The judge, a man of considerable moral fiber, although apparently hard of hearing, ruled that the boyfriend was a stalker and prohibited him from having any contact with the girl. The boyfriend appealed. The appeals court, made up of left-wing, liberal crazies bent on destroying the moral fabric of this nation, reversed the decision, stating that the child protection laws were not intended to be used by a parent to control the actions of his child. (I am sure thankful my 16-year-old son never reads this column.)